Shades of Doubt

I’ll always remember this feeling.

The truth is, I never saw this coming, but somehow I did.
And it’s strange how your mind tricks you. It allows you to understand everything, to know everything you need to know, but one morning you wake up, and you find the sky smeared with shades of doubt, your shades. Suddenly you can’t breathe, there’s no air, there’s only this suffocating nothingness in the atmosphere. You realize that what you’ve always known is almost something you can’t recognize. It may not even be true.

I’ll remember fighting this over and over. I’ll remember how I did my best to ignore the voices in my head, and my stupid heart trying to find a way out of all the layers of love I’ve filled it with for so long. And this is the thing, love. Because who knows what love is? What makes you say that you love someone? How do you know if it’s right? What if at some terrifying moment, you became uncertain of anything? What if you knew nothing at all? What if it felt as if you don’t know what kind of life you’re leading anymore, as if you’ve been living someone else’s life?

When you make a promise to someone, how do you know you will never break it? What if you break it? How do you live with the guilt? And after you broke it, what if you were wrong? What if there was no chance to fix it?

You know what they say, that it takes courage to keep a promise.
Guess what? It takes courage to break one too.
But no matter what, even if you’re doing the right thing, you’ll always be the one who broke a promise.
At least, this is how you’ll always see yourself.

You’ll always remember everything before you broke your promise.
You’ll remember how you were taken care of, how you were loved and cherished, how you were changed into a much better person, how you were handled with care and how you were always supported. You’ll remember how you were always the best thing ever happened to them, how you were their only remedy. You’ll remember how you were fixed, but you’ll also remember that it was you who broke them, and that by hurting them, you’ve hurt yourself more.

So if you wake up to a morning like this, and your vision was blurred by the heaviness of your tears, if you saw everything smeared with the gloominess of your pain, don’t look at the sky.
Don’t look up there because you’ll see the shades of doubt that broke your heart.
Don’t look up there because it will remind you of all what you held on to, and then along the way, they just got lost.
Don’t look, because there you’ll find, that what you loved most is now something you don’t know.

Do yourself a favor, and don’t look up there, don’t look back.
Someday it will all make sense, but for now, just look ahead and please, forgive.

And maybe someday we’ll come back to each other.
Maybe we will find that the ugly face of the truth was only a mask waiting to fall.
Maybe it will reveal the most beautiful face we’ll ever know.
Maybe one morning we will wake up and we will find the sky coloured again with shades of love, forgotten love…