Shades of Doubt

I’ll always remember this feeling.

The truth is, I never saw this coming, but somehow I did.
And it’s strange how your mind tricks you. It allows you to understand everything, to know everything you need to know, but one morning you wake up, and you find the sky smeared with shades of doubt, your shades. Suddenly you can’t breathe, there’s no air, there’s only this suffocating nothingness in the atmosphere. You realize that what you’ve always known is almost something you can’t recognize. It may not even be true.

I’ll remember fighting this over and over. I’ll remember how I did my best to ignore the voices in my head, and my stupid heart trying to find a way out of all the layers of love I’ve filled it with for so long. And this is the thing, love. Because who knows what love is? What makes you say that you love someone? How do you know if it’s right? What if at some terrifying moment, you became uncertain of anything? What if you knew nothing at all? What if it felt as if you don’t know what kind of life you’re leading anymore, as if you’ve been living someone else’s life?

When you make a promise to someone, how do you know you will never break it? What if you break it? How do you live with the guilt? And after you broke it, what if you were wrong? What if there was no chance to fix it?

You know what they say, that it takes courage to keep a promise.
Guess what? It takes courage to break one too.
But no matter what, even if you’re doing the right thing, you’ll always be the one who broke a promise.
At least, this is how you’ll always see yourself.

You’ll always remember everything before you broke your promise.
You’ll remember how you were taken care of, how you were loved and cherished, how you were changed into a much better person, how you were handled with care and how you were always supported. You’ll remember how you were always the best thing ever happened to them, how you were their only remedy. You’ll remember how you were fixed, but you’ll also remember that it was you who broke them, and that by hurting them, you’ve hurt yourself more.

So if you wake up to a morning like this, and your vision was blurred by the heaviness of your tears, if you saw everything smeared with the gloominess of your pain, don’t look at the sky.
Don’t look up there because you’ll see the shades of doubt that broke your heart.
Don’t look up there because it will remind you of all what you held on to, and then along the way, they just got lost.
Don’t look, because there you’ll find, that what you loved most is now something you don’t know.

Do yourself a favor, and don’t look up there, don’t look back.
Someday it will all make sense, but for now, just look ahead and please, forgive.

And maybe someday we’ll come back to each other.
Maybe we will find that the ugly face of the truth was only a mask waiting to fall.
Maybe it will reveal the most beautiful face we’ll ever know.
Maybe one morning we will wake up and we will find the sky coloured again with shades of love, forgotten love…

Far From Home

When you lose yourself, best-case scenario is you find yourself again. Worst-case scenario?

It usually starts by taking your eyes off your way, to look back maybe. Or even worse, you are moving forward but you are moving towards something that's not really there. It's like you're driven by something that's eating you up with every step, and at some point you realize you can't go on because there's not enough of you left.

Sometimes it feels like everything is against you, like it's what they call the perfect storm. And no matter how hard you try to hold it together, no matter how strong you fight to be, sometimes strong is not enough.

You stop being who you are. You may not even recognize who you are. You learn to live with an unbearable silence because you can’t explain what you are going through. You doubt everything you ever believed was there in you, and you doubt every word people might say to convince you that you are still you. For some reason, their words seem so unbelievable, like they are talking about someone else, someone you used to know, someone you even wish you could be.

One of the most painful experiences is living your life as a stranger, and not wanting to live it because it hurts so much...

When you try to find some reason for what you are going through, you end up feeling devastated. You end up feeling empty because you are not sure of anything anymore. All your wishes, all your memories, all your feelings, all your fears, all your thoughts, all your worries,  all your questions and all your answers, they all play like a sad movie, a sad song that brings tears to your eyes. And you just don't understand what could have possibly happened to make you suffer like that. 

But you know what hurts the most?

It is knowing that deep inside you, you've locked a part of you that promised not to ever leave, and to always remind you of all that you were and all that you are meant to be. It may be a person, a feeling, a memory, a bond, it may be the only thing that keeps you sane all the way long. And with all that, when you need it most, you can't reach it, even though it's trying so hard to make you see that it never left, that it believed in you and will always do. You just can't believe it. You can't understand...

Everything that used to bring you comfort now reminds you of everything you are missing, reminds you of home...

This is the worst-case scenario.
Worst-case scenario is when you can only hope that you will find your way back, when the best you can do is to trust your feet to find the path to bring you back where you belong, when you have to use the very little power left in you to smile against the ugly face of this unknown world and say it like you mean it, "I choose the best-case scenario. I will find myself again..."

Frozen in Time

Once upon a time, you smiled. I could see the distant rays of sunshine lying in the depth of the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. And I’d give anything to see you smile that heartwarming smile of yours, not a broken smile…

I’ve looked into your eyes and I’ve lost myself in them. Like an open book, I stood there in front of you, helpless, defenseless, unable to look away. I lost track of time and place. I felt overwhelmingly fragile, like if you decided to look away I’d fall apart, like your eyes are making me weak but giving me strength…

Until this very moment, I can’t figure out what you do to me and how you do it. I can’t understand what you mean. I only know how much you mean. Although I can’t put it into words, I can only say that life wouldn’t make sense without you, nothing would ever be the same, that everything would be missing something…
The thought of you not being there scares me. I see you in every thought and every perspective, in everything I do and every word I say, like you’re a part of me, and everything in the universe is a part of you.

I wonder how it is possible that someone could be such a vivid truth and such an unsolved mystery at the same time. I lose myself in you, and I find myself in you. You take me off the ground, and you help me stand my ground. You break me, in ways I never knew before, like in good ways, like it’s exactly what I need, and you heal me too. Sometimes I could easily see what you’re thinking, and sometimes I wish I could just know exactly what’s going on in your beautiful mind. Sometimes I wonder what you’re made of, but I believe it’s something so pure, something more precious than diamonds, something so true that you could even doubt it exists. Your words keep me going, even your unspoken words. Sometimes I hear your voice as we sit in that comfortable silence, like a melody, a rhythm that says it all. Your name has an impact on me like no other, it gives meaning to whatever comes after…

Sometimes, I understand you best when you don’t make sense at all. Sometimes I see pain behind your grace and I wish if you would tell me how you feel so that I can just share it with you…
You understand me, you know my flaws, but it’s like you appreciate them. You just let me be, and with all our differences, somehow we’re still the same…

And no matter what may change in us, still what we share remains, because we love it, because it’s the only thing that works when we are inconsolable...
Having you there by my side is something beyond choice. And you staying forever in this place with no one to ever replace you is something beyond question.
I’d do anything to make sure you never doubt this, that you never stop being who you are, and that you never forget who you are…

It all started with a smile…
It all started when your eyes met mine…
And you got me frozen in time…