It's Scary Growing Up

It feels cold tonight. It's unusually quiet as she hurries with blurry eyes desperately trying to
get away from those eyes glaring at her, seeing through her, filling up her cracks with so much cold. She just wants to go home.

But then she trips and falls, silently screaming as those icy hands manage to grab her feet and drag her back into the void.

It did it again.

The past is hunting her down.

The past never gets tired of playing those chasing games till it gets her.

And it gets her every time...

It's scary growing up.
It's like getting lost on your own path, tripping over your own feet, unaware that a part of you changes as you get up after every fall.
One day you just look around, look inside and realize nothing is the same anymore. Somehow you're able to see the difference, hiding under all the pretending and the lies you chose to believe so that you don't have to be here at this point. The point where reality hits you that what you take for granted is what eventually kills you. Because what you take for granted is the very same thing that ends up changing, and the worst part is that it doesn't stop there. It ends up changing you too.

Back to that void, she is trapped in the very tiny distances between the memories she never got over, the emotions she never faced, the lessons she never learned, and the truths she never believed. All the time, she chose to convince herself she did the opposite of all that only to find herself reaching a dead end, because not a single step forward can be taken now without so many steps back, back into everything she left unresolved.

And with all the help you could get, still you find so many things you have to face by yourself because how can you talk about them to someone when you can't talk about them to yourself? How do you say them out loud and expect them to have any meaning when they already make no sense in your head? How do you explain-even to someone who might already know it-how you changed so much to the extent that you're not sure who you are anymore, that you can't yet face the fact that you're so different from the person you've always believed yourself to be?

What's the thing with growing up?
It seems more like reapeating your mistakes till you get so fed up with yourself, rather than learning from them after a time or two.
It seems more like living up to the expectations you list for yourself so people would love you, rather than truly believing in the beauty of who you are and living up to it regardless of people's judgements.
It seems more like living in the shadow of your mistakes and others', rather than forgiving them, and yourself, and letting it go.
It seems more like settling for a life that stops you in your tracks and takes you down with every bump along the way, rather than a life lived to the fullest, enjoying the good more than, or even as much as getting affected with the bad.

So seriously what's the thing with growing up?! Because it actually seems more like growing apart, apart from the things we love most, from the people who mean the most to us, and sometimes apart from ourselves.
What's the thing with today's world?! This isn't how it's supposed to be. It shouldn't be so hard to find someone to trust or to trust ourselves. It shouldn't hurt to put our faith in people because all they do is let us down. It shouldn't consume all of our strength not to let ourselves stop caring that it eventually hurts like hell to care.
And what's the thing with people breaking bonds till the very last thread that ties them to others?! It shouldn't be so hard not to betray, or fail, or lie to someone you love. It shouldn't be so hard to keep your promises, to mean what you say and to take responsibility for your actions. And it shouldn't be so easy to break someone's heart.

Where did she go wrong?
She's seen the worst of people who got the best of her and yet it was never enough.
She's been through things that hurt her to the point that she's starting to question everything she was once certain about, including herself. And no words can describe the amount of pain you have to deal with when you can't accept to let this change what's left unchanged in you, when you have to fight to be able to love, to trust, to believe, to hope, to try, to dream, and to care without being so scared of the consequences.

It's scary growing up with all those hearts turning cold.
It's scary growing up when you look at an old picture of yourself and you almost can't recognize yourself, when you look at an old picture with your family and you miss how enjoyable it was to spend time with them, when you look at an old picture with your friends and your heart aches at how distant you've become.
It's scary when you know some chapters in your story have ended so soon, and others, God knows when they will just reach an ending.

And all the bridges that you burned, the fire still lingers in your veins.
And all the memories that haunt you, they got you running wild in circles.
And in the middle of such chaos a question remains unchanged: Are you strong, as vulnerable as you are?

The Disappointment Effect

Again, I end up alone behind the doors I close on myself. Sometimes I seriously can't figure out one reason why I choose this even when I don't want to.

I'm always relieved though, to have this bit of sanity that stops me from believing that I let fear control me every time, then only in those moments that I'm completely out of my mind, I come to face the fact that I've tried everything from making peace with fear to running away from it, and even being completely fearless at times but nothing seemed to be satisfying enough.

But now I know why I reached this point, why I'm stuck in it no matter how many times I try to leave, and why it hurts so much to even try to leave. It's because I've had a share of disappointments more than I could possibly take. And what hurts most about this is when you keep believing in those who disappoint you, when you refuse to give up on them, when you keep holding on to the hope that they will realize the damage they've done and they'll try to fix it, but you just end up disappointed again and again, and again.

What if you've tried everything whether to blame them for it or just let them see it for themselves and none of it mattered? What if you care about them so much and you can't walk away?

And in some insane moments, when you've really exhausted every option, you will sit back and laugh about it with tears streaming down your face because you're usually the one who gets ridiculously hurt only because you care so much.

Sometimes it ate me away, that fear of getting disappointed all over again, because there's only so much I can take right?! And then I would unintentionally hurt the ones I love the most, or even the only ones who are truly there for me, just because the pain is so overwhelming. I find myself still forced to run and hide behind the walls I try to build, and after all that as soon as I catch a glimpse of hope I chase it like a fool and, you know, nothing. You kind of get used to it too, and even that doesn't make it any better. There are times when you even get disappointed in yourself. 

There came the hardest truth, that the best of me could simply be the worst, for I couldn't have imagined it would get me nowhere in this world unless it's accompanied by pain, loss, and frustration. I had no idea that constantly trying to fix things was going to break me to pieces, and also hit me again just as I put the pieces back together.

You see, sometimes you give all that you've got, and somehow you're the one who gets left behind, desperately searching for a way out in some comforting truth, or even learning how to live without peace of mind. 

And as sad as it sounds, what makes you special is what gets you hurt.

Sometimes a curse lies within the gift.

Once Upon a Life

And what is life but moments of feeling?

I woke up one day feeling as if the world has crushed me in my sleep. But I didn’t blame the world for it, I blamed myself. That’s what I’ve always done. I would always listen to its crappy voice telling me that I’m the evil in my own world, and somehow it could also convince me to take the blame on myself for every stupid thing, and end up miserably unable to live in my own skin. I almost hated myself as much as I loved myself.
But then it all changed.

Do you know that moment when you hear your voice on a recording and you almost can’t recognize it? That’s not the voice you’ve always heard!
Sometimes it’s funny though, you may just end up laughing about it, even though somewhere deep inside, you figured out that people have always heard you differently, not like you have always heard yourself, worse.

I would look at a picture of mine and still find it kind of weird that this is the same person as me! I mean come on! Is this really the way I look in people’s eyes? But why do I see myself differently? Better maybe?
Then I would look into my eyes and it would shock me every time how they always carried that tinge of sadness even in the happiest pictures, and still I would wonder if that too, was what people saw.
Sometimes the thought itself made me feel open and exposed, as if someone has removed all the layers of untold stories and unresolved feelings, and reached the core of who I am, and that made all the difference.
Because it was only then that I realized it has never been about the core alone to tell me who I really am. It was about the layers, the untold stories and the unresolved feelings.

Everything that I had to go through was because of everything that I had to feel, And if it hadn’t been for all the feelings I’ve experienced, I would’ve never learned nor understood what life was all about.
My core is there for me to feel, the stories are there to be told, even to myself, and the feelings are there to be connected.

I’ve seen life through the best and the worst of visions, but I’ve never been at peace with it except when I truly felt it.
With all its joy, with all its agony, with all its beauty, with all its ugliness, with all its warmth, with all its cold, with all its honesty, with all its deception, with all its truth, with all its lies, with all its peace, with all its wars, with all its calmness, and with all its wildness, life has broken my heart in every way, yet life has healed it as well.
And with all the heartache I’ve learned that this is what it takes to be human, it takes a lot.
And it’s not easy at all.

So today I choose to tell my stories.
I choose to wear proudly my layers of faith, love, courage, intuition, inspiration, hope, passion, persistence, and strength. And also all the layers of pain, fear, and doubt that it took to be able to hold on to each of them.
I choose to laugh at the world, to take new pictures with a gleam of happiness in my eyes.
I choose to keep my heart open and exposed.
I choose to be me.

Shades of Doubt

I’ll always remember this feeling.

The truth is, I never saw this coming, but somehow I did.
And it’s strange how your mind tricks you. It allows you to understand everything, to know everything you need to know, but one morning you wake up, and you find the sky smeared with shades of doubt, your shades. Suddenly you can’t breathe, there’s no air, there’s only this suffocating nothingness in the atmosphere. You realize that what you’ve always known is almost something you can’t recognize. It may not even be true.

I’ll remember fighting this over and over. I’ll remember how I did my best to ignore the voices in my head, and my stupid heart trying to find a way out of all the layers of love I’ve filled it with for so long. And this is the thing, love. Because who knows what love is? What makes you say that you love someone? How do you know if it’s right? What if at some terrifying moment, you became uncertain of anything? What if you knew nothing at all? What if it felt as if you don’t know what kind of life you’re leading anymore, as if you’ve been living someone else’s life?

When you make a promise to someone, how do you know you will never break it? What if you break it? How do you live with the guilt? And after you broke it, what if you were wrong? What if there was no chance to fix it?

You know what they say, that it takes courage to keep a promise.
Guess what? It takes courage to break one too.
But no matter what, even if you’re doing the right thing, you’ll always be the one who broke a promise.
At least, this is how you’ll always see yourself.

You’ll always remember everything before you broke your promise.
You’ll remember how you were taken care of, how you were loved and cherished, how you were changed into a much better person, how you were handled with care and how you were always supported. You’ll remember how you were always the best thing ever happened to them, how you were their only remedy. You’ll remember how you were fixed, but you’ll also remember that it was you who broke them, and that by hurting them, you’ve hurt yourself more.

So if you wake up to a morning like this, and your vision was blurred by the heaviness of your tears, if you saw everything smeared with the gloominess of your pain, don’t look at the sky.
Don’t look up there because you’ll see the shades of doubt that broke your heart.
Don’t look up there because it will remind you of all what you held on to, and then along the way, they just got lost.
Don’t look, because there you’ll find, that what you loved most is now something you don’t know.

Do yourself a favor, and don’t look up there, don’t look back.
Someday it will all make sense, but for now, just look ahead and please, forgive.

And maybe someday we’ll come back to each other.
Maybe we will find that the ugly face of the truth was only a mask waiting to fall.
Maybe it will reveal the most beautiful face we’ll ever know.
Maybe one morning we will wake up and we will find the sky coloured again with shades of love, forgotten love…

Far From Home

When you lose yourself, best-case scenario is you find yourself again. Worst-case scenario?

It usually starts by taking your eyes off your way, to look back maybe. Or even worse, you are moving forward but you are moving towards something that's not really there. It's like you're driven by something that's eating you up with every step, and at some point you realize you can't go on because there's not enough of you left.

Sometimes it feels like everything is against you, like it's what they call the perfect storm. And no matter how hard you try to hold it together, no matter how strong you fight to be, sometimes strong is not enough.

You stop being who you are. You may not even recognize who you are. You learn to live with an unbearable silence because you can’t explain what you are going through. You doubt everything you ever believed was there in you, and you doubt every word people might say to convince you that you are still you. For some reason, their words seem so unbelievable, like they are talking about someone else, someone you used to know, someone you even wish you could be.

One of the most painful experiences is living your life as a stranger, and not wanting to live it because it hurts so much...

When you try to find some reason for what you are going through, you end up feeling devastated. You end up feeling empty because you are not sure of anything anymore. All your wishes, all your memories, all your feelings, all your fears, all your thoughts, all your worries,  all your questions and all your answers, they all play like a sad movie, a sad song that brings tears to your eyes. And you just don't understand what could have possibly happened to make you suffer like that. 

But you know what hurts the most?

It is knowing that deep inside you, you've locked a part of you that promised not to ever leave, and to always remind you of all that you were and all that you are meant to be. It may be a person, a feeling, a memory, a bond, it may be the only thing that keeps you sane all the way long. And with all that, when you need it most, you can't reach it, even though it's trying so hard to make you see that it never left, that it believed in you and will always do. You just can't believe it. You can't understand...

Everything that used to bring you comfort now reminds you of everything you are missing, reminds you of home...

This is the worst-case scenario.
Worst-case scenario is when you can only hope that you will find your way back, when the best you can do is to trust your feet to find the path to bring you back where you belong, when you have to use the very little power left in you to smile against the ugly face of this unknown world and say it like you mean it, "I choose the best-case scenario. I will find myself again..."

Frozen in Time

Once upon a time, you smiled. I could see the distant rays of sunshine lying in the depth of the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. And I’d give anything to see you smile that heartwarming smile of yours, not a broken smile…

I’ve looked into your eyes and I’ve lost myself in them. Like an open book, I stood there in front of you, helpless, defenseless, unable to look away. I lost track of time and place. I felt overwhelmingly fragile, like if you decided to look away I’d fall apart, like your eyes are making me weak but giving me strength…

Until this very moment, I can’t figure out what you do to me and how you do it. I can’t understand what you mean. I only know how much you mean. Although I can’t put it into words, I can only say that life wouldn’t make sense without you, nothing would ever be the same, that everything would be missing something…
The thought of you not being there scares me. I see you in every thought and every perspective, in everything I do and every word I say, like you’re a part of me, and everything in the universe is a part of you.

I wonder how it is possible that someone could be such a vivid truth and such an unsolved mystery at the same time. I lose myself in you, and I find myself in you. You take me off the ground, and you help me stand my ground. You break me, in ways I never knew before, like in good ways, like it’s exactly what I need, and you heal me too. Sometimes I could easily see what you’re thinking, and sometimes I wish I could just know exactly what’s going on in your beautiful mind. Sometimes I wonder what you’re made of, but I believe it’s something so pure, something more precious than diamonds, something so true that you could even doubt it exists. Your words keep me going, even your unspoken words. Sometimes I hear your voice as we sit in that comfortable silence, like a melody, a rhythm that says it all. Your name has an impact on me like no other, it gives meaning to whatever comes after…

Sometimes, I understand you best when you don’t make sense at all. Sometimes I see pain behind your grace and I wish if you would tell me how you feel so that I can just share it with you…
You understand me, you know my flaws, but it’s like you appreciate them. You just let me be, and with all our differences, somehow we’re still the same…

And no matter what may change in us, still what we share remains, because we love it, because it’s the only thing that works when we are inconsolable...
Having you there by my side is something beyond choice. And you staying forever in this place with no one to ever replace you is something beyond question.
I’d do anything to make sure you never doubt this, that you never stop being who you are, and that you never forget who you are…

It all started with a smile…
It all started when your eyes met mine…
And you got me frozen in time…

If Only

What happens when both worlds collide? What happens when all you knew was there in your heart has to come out? What happens when what you've been trying to hide betrays you and becomes the most obvious truth? 

She tried hard to fight it. It felt wrong, but sometimes it felt like it's the only right thing left. That's why it was too hard to escape it. All roads led her to know deep down in her heart that if she was able to hide her feelings and her thoughts from everyone, all could fall in the trap except for him. He was her remedy. He could save her from herself with just one look in her eyes. Why? Because everything that bothers her reflects differently in his eyes. She sees something different, something that soothes her soul.

There is a moment when, people say, you listen to what your heart is really telling you, and in such moments you have to be crazy enough to follow it. But she was not crazy. Neither was he. No, not in this way at least. Because who would leave the world he chose to live and chase a hazy world of possibly misunderstood feelings?

She loved him, but not in the way she knows love. It was of a different kind. That's what made her doubt that it would ever be right. And him, he's hard to understand when it comes to this. How could she know if he's lying to her or lying to himself? How could she be sure that she's not causing him pain? How could she know that he's not hiding what's in his heart because it's what he's best at?

No, don't get her wrong. She sees through him, she touches his soul. But the moment he starts surrendering to the feeling, he runs. He hides behind his bittersweet words. He lets her go, again and again...

She knows better though, and he does too. They always come back to each other. Every path leads them back to the sweet spot where their souls are understood. However, their wild hearts can never be tamed.

To him, she might seem like the hardest thing to catch, the only force he can't fight, the sparkling eyes before which his heart melts and his thoughts travel beyond his control. He was never sure what it meant, those feelings he had for her. Could it be that he doubted them because they were so true that they scared him? Could it be that he wasn't strong enough to pour what has always been in his heart? Could it be that she was like a star, that no matter how close you are to such a beautifully bright star, once you think of getting even a bit closer, it unintentionally burns you? Or could it be that no matter how much she means to him, it's always going to stay at the borders, never passing to the core of true love?

She remembers the days when she first thought of him this way, she remembers feeling grabbed by something so powerful that she couldn't comprehend, and she remembers that it felt like he was the one who pulled her even if he didn't know it. Sometimes she even secretly blamed him for it, and sometimes she blames herself because maybe she walked out first, just maybe...

But it just felt right back then, she was hanging and she was afraid to get him involved in her messed up need for affection after she was carelessly let down for so long.

What do you do when you're standing in front of a choice, and you're not sure if you let it pass you by that you might ever run into it again? What do you do when you don't know what the days would bring you but you wish you had any idea so that you can figure out what to do at this very moment?

If only he knew...

If only he felt the very unfamiliar things he does to her heart. If only he understood her when it came to him. If only he understood himself. If only he knew how she sees him walking along with her, or looking at her lost in thought of how one person can make you go crazy, can make you feel things and see things that could never be with anybody else no matter how beautiful or amazing, because they would never be in her one of a kind beauty, they could never have an essence like hers, and they could never look at the world the way she does.

If only he knew that if he just walked in her footsteps, he'd be trapped forever in the clarity of what it was always supposed to be, of what they were meant to be...

And oh... if only she knew...

The Believer

The sound of the water and the wild birds, the sound of the dangers tickling his feet every now and then were the last things he could hear at that time. It was the sound of silence inside him, the sound of fear, being alone in the middle of nowhere, being the lost survivor of a sinking ship...

The waves had been playing games with him for a while and the taste of salt couldn't make him more thirsty...

He wondered why him? He was already lost anyway, between anger, pain, grief, frustration and...patience. It took him much strength to hold on, to stand his ground through the winds of change, to keep his balance at the edge of collapsing every time he was let down...

All what's good was temporary...They were the little things that occasionally passed him by and even those little things became like a song you get used to then comes a moment when you find it like all the others, like a melody that keeps playing till you can't recognize it somehow...

Could it be? That a person could become so sorry for himself...? Could it be that in the fear of dying in this empty world, "losing himself" was harder than being "lost" in that dangerous place? Is this how it all ends?

It was funny though, that this ship was actually taking him away from home...He had decided to leave it all behind, that miserable loneliness, and try to find himself somewhere else...Nothing mattered after he woke up someday to realize how things had changed, how friends were gone, how the years passed without noticing how much he got unstable, off the road, how he could never stop to think of what went wrong or where had his life gone...

But there he was, that piece of wood wasn't going to be helpful for long, nor the hunger and fatigue...

He looked at the sky, it seemed as if he could touch it with his finger...It was so beautiful...But then it hit him, he remembered now...Suddenly, he cried. No, he broke down. Tears were uncontrollably streaming down his face. He wanted to fall to a solid ground and let it all out, and it was pitiful that he couldn't even do that. He screamed! There was too much inside him that had smothered him for so long...

He looked back at the sky, it was "God", it was God that could help him but it was God that was forgotten...Couldn't he "believe"? Couldn't he raise his hands and pray, have some faith, instead of all the wrongs, instead of letting himself go to become who he had become?

And now it hit him again. He remembered standing in front of that ship thinking, "Why are you scared? Maybe God wants you to start over somewhere new and here's the chance...Just say "Goodbye" and welcome your new fate, you know God has a reason..."

First he laughed, he laughed and cried in the same moment because that was the only time he remembered God that way. He laughed at being so stupid to runaway like that...But then he smiled, because still, God remembered him...He realized now why this is happening. He had this strong feeling that this was his wake up call...It was the moment of "truth", the moment of "choice"...

There came the distant noise of a ship coming his way...He knew what he had to do...He looked back with sorrow and gratitude, he knew God understood...He started waving and screaming. It felt as if he was born again and it went by like a dream, being rescued and telling his story, until he was asked about his destination, He just said, "I'm going home...".

Everything changed from that moment on...He rebuilt his life, thought about everything with optimism and faced life with a new vision.

Of course, he became famous. Not only as a survivor, or as one of the most successful in his career, but also as a man who wrote a book about the story of his life and helped thousands to unlock their hearts and find their paths...

He was known as the Survivor, the Fighter, the Believer...

"To believe is to live. It's the key, the answer, and the guide. Having faith is giving meaning to your life...It's always the way out...

God never forgets, never lets down...He is merciful...He listens to the silence inside of you and just knows...

Always turn to Him, let Him show you the way...Follow the signs and trust your inner voice...

Believe in the unbelievable fate. Understand the reasons, learn and move on...

Never suppose that escaping a problem would solve it or that ignoring something will hold it back from haunting you someday...

Do what you have to do and let God do the rest...Stop comparing yourself to others...

If you expect the good side, someway or another you will get it."

In the Blink of an Eye

In the blink of an eye everything comes crashing in.

In the blink of an eye we dream. And in the blink of an eye the dream collapses. And we wonder if we made it right. Has it been ours to dream? Has it been true? Do we have to get it back or did it leave for a reason and we just got to find a new one?

In the blink of an eye we hope. And in the blink of an eye the hope dies. And we go running and spinning in a cycle of desperation. But have we forgotten what it takes to keep hope alive? Have we got tired of waiting? And then maybe it's just the way life goes, it just can't help testing you just to show you the value of what you almost left behind.

In the blink of an eye we love. And in the blink of an eye something doesn't feel right. Sometimes we laugh about it. Sometimes it's frustrating. We hate how feelings can be so tricky, how we don't understand a thing when we thought we had a full grasp on ourselves.

In the blink of an eye we feel strong. And in the blink of an eye we break down. We become so tired of having to fight that it takes the simplest disappointment to hide the last trace of strength we had. And all of a sudden it's the fall that gives us our strength back.

In the blink of an eye we change. And in the blink of an eye we look into our souls to find that they never did. Has it been just a phase of our lives? Have we failed to know the difference between who we are and the person we are, for some reason, forced to become? And perhaps we got lost trying to find ourselves.

In the blink of an eye we believe. And in the blink of an eye we question our faith. It's the voices in our heads. It's the never ending wonder of what the world is all about, how people are all the same yet so different, and how we have to deal with awful things and still believe there's a reason even if we can't see any.

In the blink of an eye we smile. And in the blink of an eye the smile fades. We look at our faces and curse our misery. What the hell happened to deprive us of even smiling? Has it been too hard or have we took it way too hard on ourselves?

In the blink of an eye we survive. And in the blink of an eye we die. And it's not the kind of death when we leave the world and go, it's when we stay in the world and go. We are there but while we are breathing, we can't feel alive. And nothing could possibly be harder than that.

In the blink of an eye we enjoy. And in the blink of an eye we suffer. And sometimes what hurts us the most is the same thing we can't live without. We somehow find comfort in the silent pain.

In the blink of an eye we inspire. And in the blink of an eye there's nothing we can say or do that could help someone to just get through the day. The same spot where we had so much to give has turned to an empty space. And you can't help but hate yourself for it. You can't help but feel useless somehow.

In the blink of an eye we think we know it all. And in the blink of an eye we wonder where the hell we went wrong. Was it our fault? And if it was, where would we hide from loss?

In the blink of an eye we are full of courage. And in the blink of an eye we are scared to death. We fail to realize that fear is just a friend. It means us no harm. And it's only when we get so fed up with the chains that we find the courage to do what's right.

In the blink of an eye we think about how in the blink of an eye things can change.

In the blink of an eye we are lost. And in the blink of an eye we are found.

Sometimes it's all about the blink of an eye...