And what is
life but moments of feeling?I woke up one day feeling as if the world has crushed me in my sleep. But I didn’t blame the world for it, I blamed myself. That’s what I’ve always done. I would always listen to its crappy voice telling me that I’m the evil in my own world, and somehow it could also convince me to take the blame on myself for every stupid thing, and end up miserably unable to live in my own skin. I almost hated myself as much as I loved myself.
But then it all changed.
Do you know that moment when you hear your voice on a recording and you almost can’t recognize it? That’s not the voice you’ve always heard!
Sometimes it’s funny though, you may just end up laughing about it, even though somewhere deep inside, you figured out that people have always heard you differently, not like you have always heard yourself, worse.
I would look at a picture of mine and still find it kind of weird that this is the same person as me! I mean come on! Is this really the way I look in people’s eyes? But why do I see myself differently? Better maybe?
Then I would look into my eyes and it would shock me every time how they always carried that tinge of sadness even in the happiest pictures, and still I would wonder if that too, was what people saw.
Sometimes the thought itself made me feel open and exposed, as if someone has removed all the layers of untold stories and unresolved feelings, and reached the core of who I am, and that made all the difference.
Because it was only then that I realized it has never been about the core alone to tell me who I really am. It was about the layers, the untold stories and the unresolved feelings.
Everything that I had to go through was because of everything that I had to feel, And if it hadn’t been for all the feelings I’ve experienced, I would’ve never learned nor understood what life was all about.
My core is there for me to feel, the stories are there to be told, even to myself, and the feelings are there to be connected.
I’ve seen life through the best and the worst of visions, but I’ve never been at peace with it except when I truly felt it.
With all its joy, with all its agony, with all its beauty, with all its ugliness, with all its warmth, with all its cold, with all its honesty, with all its deception, with all its truth, with all its lies, with all its peace, with all its wars, with all its calmness, and with all its wildness, life has broken my heart in every way, yet life has healed it as well.
And with all the heartache I’ve learned that this is what it takes to be human, it takes a lot.
And it’s not easy at all.
So today I choose to tell my stories.
I choose to wear proudly my layers of faith, love, courage, intuition, inspiration, hope, passion, persistence, and strength. And also all the layers of pain, fear, and doubt that it took to be able to hold on to each of them.
I choose to laugh at the world, to take new pictures with a gleam of happiness in my eyes.
I choose to keep my heart open and exposed.
I choose to be me.
